All Hope Lost

All Hope Lost: Youngest Victims of Addiction

He was a normal child. Born into a life of privelege and surrounded by beaches and beaches of white cocaine....oh wait wrong story.

He was a normal child. Born to loving parents in the hippy wilderness of Northern California. His mother was well versed in baby ka-knowledge, his father well versed in 1980's pop culture and The Beastie Boys. He was nurtured and loved, he rolled in a Quinny because "that's how he roll" and he was surrounding by a great support network of fellow Mommy Group children. When asked about his nature before falling to the evils of addiction, fellow baby and good friends Miles stated:

"Conno Conno, yes and hungrees today so sorry so speeggo no rocky" followed by some sign language for sorry, sorry, hungry, all-done.

His parents had successfully navigated swaddling, feeding, sleep training, ASL, and Time Outs. They had faced umbilical hernias, jaundice, teething, a feral cat posing as a house pet and conflicting parenting advice from 142 people who deemed their advice worthy of sharing.

They had Ferbered and Gerbered. Baby Einsteined in the land of Diane Feinstein...everything seemed well. But then one day...

"Yeah one day I was going into his room in the morning," the boy's father said, "and like three seconds after he opened his eyes he looked at me and started making a strange noise."

When asked about the noise the father described it as an evil hissing micro-wail of suffering glee. When asked for a better description of the sound, the father went on to clarify it as a cockney hiss played backwards into a traffic cone, at which point we decided to stop asking for clarification.

As a former substance abuse counselor and current whisky enthusiast, the boy's father has a background in identifying and managing addiction. He went on to describe the varying levels of addiction.

Using the mnemonic RALFH, the boys father began monitoring the five life areas key in determining when a dependency is growing out of hand.

R: Relationships

"Yeah normally when I'd get the kid in the morning he'd smile and say Dada...now all he does is make that sound. That devil noise."

A: Academics/Work

"The kid has lost tons of commercial TV work because he makes this Zoolander face all the time now. We think it's related to the devil noise."

L: Legal

"The kid started stealing from other babies and knocking them down at the kids section at Barnes and Noble...so far no one's pressed charges."

F: Financial

"Umm the kid's broke."

H: Health

"Every time it's time to eat, he keeps craning his neck as if he's looking behind him and making that devil noise. We're worried he's not eating enough"

Unbelievably almost all five life areas had been affected by this baby's addiction. The kid was hooked on something and the parents were getting desperate. Modern testing could not find any chemical dependency in the little boy, scientists were baffled.

Out of desperation the boy's parents took the child to local witchdoctor Fred who listened to the sounds the child was making. The boy's father recounts, "So the witchdoctor...um Fred, he listens to the devil noise and his face goes all white. I've never seen a man so frightened. He points his craggly finger to my son and then slowly to me and whispers: 'You let the British In' and then he keels over dead. I thought he was gonna say we let the dead in and I was gonna ask for my money back because we already went through that one a few months ago when the kid's hair grew all long"

With this mysterious warning in hand all the parents could do was watch what the kid was consuming to try and figure out what in his young little life was so addicting that it had taken precedence over all else.

The mystery was solved one day as the boy's father was hanging out when he began hearing the noise.

"Yeah I had left the TV on and the boy made the sound. And I was kinda shocked so I started filming. This is the horror that has my kid in it's grip. May it serve as a warning to all parents before it's too late. For us, unfortunately, it is far far far too late."